OrganicMatter01

Rough couple of days

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 02:28:57 GMT

I went to Portland Maine this last weekend to go skiing. It was tons of fun to hang out with friends and engage in my favorite sport; it even snowed about 8 inches on sunday, making for a really excellent experience. The fun ended pretty quickly when we left though.

We caught a plane leaving a little earlier from the airport in order to avoid missing our connecting flight in New York. Turns out it didn't matter that much because when we landed, we had to wait in the plane for nearly 3 hours before being able to get into the terminal. Aparently it had snowed which delayed things significantly and there was no place for us to park the plane. Eventually we got off, expecting to have missed our connecting flight. We were lucky to find out that it had not left yet, and we rushed to the gate and boarded our plane just in time...

Only to find out there was a huge delay and we had to wait another 4 hours or so before takeoff. I probably wouldn't have minded, if I could have had a drink, but apparently that is against the rules. Finally, we take off and ultimately land in Atlanta at about 4am or so. Our luggage is not there, and we are assured it will be delivered to our homes. We are all eager to get home so we head to Michael's car only to find it won't start. So we have to take a $40 cab ride to my house, only to have to drive Stephen home, then drive to Acworth. I end up sleeping on Michael's couch at about 7am.

I get up to find out my phone is not working, which is a giant pain in the ass since the courier company trying to bring me my stuff has been trying to call me. AT&T is not particularly helpful in this since I just managed to get it turned back on today after hassling with some regularity.

In any case, I got my phone turned back on today and scheduled getting my bag so some things are getting back on track. Unfortunately I woke up this morning fairly sick. I would have called in but at that time my phone wasn't working so I had to go. I got to leave early, but it still sucked working a couple hours sick.

Let hope this weekend will go a little better than this week has.

Change

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 07:02:07 GMT

For almost a year and a half now I've worked almost completely on weird night time hours that have forced to me into some kind of strange subhuman existence. Well, I am pleased to announce that shortly I will be moving to a normal schedule and becoming a regular human being again. The paperwork was put in today. I suspect it will take about a month for me to be able to finally transfer, but it will be happening. I am rather excited about this change but I will admit that there are some things I will be losing. Mostly, the pros far outweigh the cons though and I think it will be extremely good for me as a whole.

I can't help but note that this comes right as I have been shifting my attitude from a rather negative defeatist one to a more positive outlook. It seems like I have been drawing good things to myself lately and I think that my mental state has had alot to do with that.

Outside of myself, the weather has been amazing. I love stepping outside and feeling just enough cold to set my skin on edge. The air is so crisp, and I can smell a fire from miles away. Fall is by far my favorite season and I need to make sure I get out and enjoy it before it slips away into the cold.

Guzoline

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 06:35:08 GMT

I just spent almost an hour looking for gas near my work so I could get home tonight. After no success I finally had to try to get to my mother's house so I would not completely run out. After barely making it I had to borrow her car to continue searching. Finally I found a place that had some and filled up a couple of 1 gallon gas cans to return to my car and put some in. Then directly back to the station to fill up my car for the week. I really wanted to just come home after a long day at work and relax a little, but that went right out the window in a hurry. And now I've got to get to bed just to go straight back to work. Life is a bitch sometimes you know it?

Lets keep this one postive for once

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 06:27:11 GMT

I found out today that someone on the day shift has turned in their two weeks notice. This means that after one guy moves from our shift, I will be next in line. Couple that with the fact that another girl is about to head to medical school, it really shouldn't be too long before I am working on daytime hours.

I have my reservations about the whole thing however. I am not eager to be getting up around 6am, and things move pretty slowly at my work so it might still be awhile. Still, I am mighty excited at the prospect of working normal human hours again. Just having the opprotunity to be able to do something on a weeknight is something that most people take for a luxury and that I have missed terribly. The world doesn't revolve around people that work the hours I currently do I'm looking forward to getting back with the rest of humanity.

Outside of work, things have been rather chaotic. I used to think of myself as someone that thrives on chaos, but the truth is that I crave order. In the next couple of weeks (days really) I have to figure out where I am going to live and what my life will entail for the next year or so. I really hate being forced into a corner like this and suddenly having to choose how everything will pan out rather suddenly, but the truth is it is my own fault. I've really been ignoring my whole life for some time now and have got to start waking up to the fact that no one is going to swoop down and fix all my problems unless that person is me.

Whatever the case, I am probably going to be getting rid of quite of bit of stuff. It is odd to think of all the things I have collected over the years and how I have ascribed meaning to it. Even now I look around my room and and consider these things I own. Chair I got when my parents sold their business and we held from the auction. Computer that I built myself. Pile of Legynds costuming, my desert elf character was named Vakier Kessel Issiri. Old warhammer figures and paint. NCA certificate stating I am qualified to be a microbiologist. Pisces wall scroll purchased for me in China. My Guild Wars track pants. Framed essay my friend wrote about me in high school. My silver Fossil watch. Do these things define me and are therefore important? Or do they trap me and therefore should be destroyed? Hard to say.

This post is getting too serious for me to keep positive so I'll end here. Might as well unprivate some old entries while I am about it. Doesn't really matter anyway since I feel completely different than I did when I wrote them.

Thought for the day

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 06:53:29 GMT

What exactly is the point of posting a private livejournal entry I wonder? I think it high time I bought a regular ass journal.

My life of late

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 06:24:07 GMT

I've purposely been avoiding livejournal for some time now because it tends to lead to pretty serious melodrama, but I suppose that is the nature of all journals particularly one as voyeuristic as an online one (even though I suspect few people even read this anymore). In any case, lots of things have happened since any serious update has gone down so I'll try to sum up without making it too terribly long, but I highly doubt that will happen. Livejournal... away!

The job is going quite well these days. I am still not at all comfortable with the hours that I work and am actively trying to change them, but I've become quite an important player in the whole game there and it has been very nice to feel appreciated and needed. I am rather seriously considering a switch from my current night shift hours to working overnight. I am looking at taking a trial run at this in the next couple of weeks or so. Ideally, it will provide me the chance to be able to get out and do some things with my friends and generally get things done during normal human hours.

Dragoncon of course was a major event and I finally got together with some people to pull of the two man horse costume that I have been talking about for years now. I think we got some really quality pictures and people in general seemed to enjoy our antics. If you haven't already check out my facebook for pictures. The highlights were of course messing with people trying to take pictures of better and more well known costumes and the random street party where several girls were begging to ride us.

It wasn't all fun and games though. There was some rather serious conflicts between myself and my hotel roomates and friends. Ultimately, I think these were worked out but I can't be sure as they didn't all involve me directly so can only speculate. These did provide a certain hostile and extremely stressful environment and eventually led to me having some sort of panic attack at the event. This is something of a new thing for me, and as I tend to think of myself as a pretty easy going type of guy I was caught a little off guard, but I have been awfully wound up lately and it has been difficult to relax.

This brings me to another point here. I've noticed that I'm been really anxious lately. As I mentioned I am normally immune to the effects of stress and anxiety, but I have really struggled lately and I wouldn't be surprised if people have seen this in me. I've sort of taken a step back and considered the causes of this and I'm starting to believe that is the fact that I have been drinking pretty non-stop for a quite some time now. I am coming to believe that it has made me kind of a shitty, cruel, and bitter person. At the very least it is not rapidly contributing to my overall mental state these days. You start to recognize that saying things to yourself in times of stress like "Jesus, I need a drink" might actually not be a good thing. I can't say that I am ready to quit drinking entirely but I think I am going to slow up significantly and quit drinking just to be drinking. Day two, and I am already wishing for beer. This will not be easy.

I can't exactly blame everything on drinking though. I wouldn't say that I have made serious efforts to just calm the fuck down and relax much, but everything seems really intense lately and focus has not exactly always been one of my strong points. I've been considering counseling for awhile now and it doesn't seem like a bad option. It might be helpful to me to just have someone that will listen to me and not insert their own self into my situation (no offense friends).

I should mention that I have to move in a couple of months and at this point and almost completely uncertain as to my plans. If you need a roomate let me know and I'll give it consideration though I am somewhat leaning towards living alone if I can swing the cost of it.

Reconnecting with myself is hard. I feel like I could tell you almost everyone else's thoughts and feelings at most times, but I can't figure out what I am doing or exactly what characterizes Jared. I will keep at it though. I'm not ready to go down yet, though I will admit posting this entry was not as soothing as I was hoping for.

Oh yeah, I got netflix too. I am awfully excited about getting to watch movies that I haven't seen but have always wanted to, but never come on TV or are otherwise hard to find. Hopefully, my movies come before the weekend.

Six flags

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:00:38 GMT

A friend of mine at work has a sister that has tickets to nurse's industry night at six flags. It is on Friday sept. 26th from 6pm-midnight and should be fairly empty compared to most days at the park. Tickets are $24.50 and you get a free pass to six flags that can be used later in the year. Anyone interested? If so let me know cause I need to try to get the tickets at some point this week. Would be fun to get out and do something a little different than the usual.

Not sure how to describe it all

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 06:35:07 GMT

I just went through several hundred pictures of the last 5-6 years of my life on my computer and I'm pretty blown away. We've had some grand times for sure, and the only thing I can think is that I am incredibly lucky to have had such awesome friends. Lately I feel like I haven't been around much and I miss the people I have been close to in the past terribly. Shame on me for neglecting the amazing people I have been so fortunate to be surrounded by. In the next week or so I will call everyone I have spent important moments in my life with and thank them. Additionally, I would like to gather these people up for some kind of party or event. Perhaps dragoncon will be an adequate venue. In any case, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who might call me a friend.

info

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:03:29 GMT

I'll try and keep this short. If you haven't heard already, I passed my certification exam so I am now officially a clinical laboratory scientist. This means I can work directly with the microorganisms we find in the human tissue samples. A raise and promotion are also included. Go me!

My special lady friend is moving in with me on Saturday. If you are available to help with this process by all means please do. She doesn't have a ton of stuff, but an extra set of hands or car would be very useful. Assistance will be rewarded with alcohol of course.

My internet is scheduled to be turned off today. It hasn't happened yet, but I am internetting on borrowed time I think. It won't be functional again until monday, so if you don't see me online, that is why.

Things have been hectic lately, but there are lots of good things on the horizon. It will be nice when all this stress is over and I can relax a little bit.

Busy Busy

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 06:01:05 GMT

Long time since the last update so I won't bother to say everything that has happened, just the more recent events. I just got back from a weekend trip to Las Vegas with some of my oldest and best friends. Despite some traveling difficulties by one of my compatriots I think a good time was had overall. I even managed with win around $300 from the casinos. It is an interesting town and I'm glad I went to visit, but in general it's not my thing. First of all it is really expensive and if you haven't got a ton of money to blow it isn't much different than a mardi gras atmosphere. Mostly we just walked around and looked at various giant casinos/hotels. The opulence is astounding, it truly is Babylon.

Besides that I've got several major events coming up in the next month or so. First off, I am coming up on my year review at my work. I stand to get a decent raise and the results of said review will drastically effect whether I choose to stay there much longer. I've been getting a little weary of working the night shift and the distance to work is certainly a factor. I've also been considering graduate school more and more and I've got to get on that before I get too much older I think.

I've also got a very major certification exam coming up in two weeks. Passing the exam gets me a promotion, a raise, and a clinical laboratory scientist certification (CLS) which allows me to make the final calls on the safety of the tissue we test. I've studied some for it but really need to get down to it quite a bit more in the next few weeks. Don't be surprised if you don't see me much (har har).

The last thing is that soon my friend and roommate of nearly 4 years will be moving out and my girlfriend sans_fur will be moving in. It will be a big change for me. I've been living with the same guy for a long time now and we work well together, in many ways he is an ideal roommate. But I think it's a good thing for everyone. I greatly look forward to seeing my special lady friend more often because as it is with our shift differences I barely even get to speak to her, which is tough for me. It will be really nice to be able to see her more often if only for short periods of time. But certainly I'll have to change my lifestyle a bit, which oddly I am also looking forward to. Maybe I won't stay up as late and get up early to get things done. I just hope that our different schedules don't get in the way.

So yeah. Lots of stuff coming up. Really depending on how all these things go it will in many ways determine how my life will change over the next several months if not years. I almost hope my job doesn't give me a good enough raise to make me change my job, but I do pass my test. I'm pretty sick of the night shift and it is getting to be about time for a change. Someone needs to open a giant microbiology lab downtown. Or maybe I just need to hang around a little longer to get some experience to move to the CDC.

I realize not many people even read lj these days, but this is about my only form of communication. Cheers to all who read this.

I like water.

Birthday Sale-O-Bration

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 07:31:27 GMT

If you are reading this you likely know that I will be turning 27 next week. So in order to celebrate this event I will be at the highlander saturday evening to receive presents, well wishes, and good company. You are invited! I realize that it's not the most creative birthday celebration, but time kind of ran out on me to plan much else and I no longer have a house to host such a gathering in any case. Regardless, you'll find that the bar will provide any food or drink that you could possibly demand. So I encourage you to come and spread the word to anyone that might also enjoy a good time. You certainly wouldn't want to miss what might turn out to be the greatest moment in our lifetimes.

In addition to this if there is significant interest, I was considering a paintball outing the following weekend. This may or may not be birthday related, but paintball is always a good time. Let me know if you can make it to either of these events.

Why does anyone do anything?

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 07:07:39 GMT

First of all my phone is restored to it's normal working order. Carry on with your bad text messaging self.

I watched the movie American Psycho again this last weekend. This is by far one of my favorite movies, easily in my top 10 if not top 5. If you have not seen it I recommend it very strongly. Regardless, after the movie I found myself noting that I admired some of the main character's qualities. Not that he is a psychopathic killer, but rather that he is completely self absorbed and able to ignore entirely the people surrounding him. I suppose it comes from being very different from this. I've always been very concerned with those around me, often placing their needs above my own. For the most part I've always considered this a great strength of mine and prided myself on being very unselfish and something of a peacemaker. Over the last few days however, I have begun to wonder if this quality is in fact more of a weakness. Perhaps all this time I've been doing things the wrong way.

I know I probably don't strike people as much of a 'people person,' but the truth is that I love people and I live my life to help them. It is why I work where I do and act the way I do. Most of the time I think people just need a little something, and it is the best part of my day when I am the one who can provide that. I try pretty hard to make others laugh because that is really the easiest way to do it. But there are a handful of people that I have had the real joy to become close to, who let their guard down enough for me to really understand them and help them with their real problems. These have been the most rewarding moments and relationships of my life. I like to think that I have been a very positive and in some ways guiding force in these people's lives. Who knows if that is really true or not.

At the end of the day I really like who I am and how I operate, but sometimes I look in the mirror and imagine myself as the complete opposite of this person I know. And you know what? That guy is pretty fucking cool too. Sometimes I wish I was him.

Phone

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:09:32 GMT

The screen on my phone has broken. This means that it is very tricky for me to call anyone and I am unable to read or send text messages. So for the meantime you have to call me to get information across. I'll post when it is fixed.

Ass-haberdashery!

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 08:19:29 GMT

So my former landlord who we thought owed us over $1500 for our security deposit is now trying to charge us almost $2000 for various damages. At this point it is looking like we are not about to get any money back but I will be god damned if I am paying him one dime. I lived in a place where it was regularly freezing everyday during the winter in my room (some of you may recall this and have memory of the space heater I was required to keep by my bed). A large portion of what he is asking from us is in water and sewer costs that we were either not contractually bound by (due to month to month non-lease agreements), or that we paid him already. Also, there are sizable charges for excessive wear and tear and cleaning costs, both of which seem based on very little evidence (for the record we moved into the place pretty trashed without him seeing it in months). We are likely to make him fly down from Washington DC to attend court in order to apply additional expense to him even if we don't get any money back from it all.

If you've got a second please spend it to wish some serious hate on this motherfucker because he is fucking with the wrong people.

Xmas and junk

Thu, 27 Dec 2007 08:36:03 GMT

I had a really excellent weekend/vacation over the holiday. I got to see a bunch of my friends and family and generally had a really great time doing so. To top it off, after tomorrow I've got a five day weekend! Bonus! I received some very cool stuff for xmas including Call of Duty 4 (need 3 people to play with soon), this shirt: http://www.goats.com/store/item/tshirt_science-gildan-1.html, and an 8GB iPod nano. Suddenly, with this mp3 player large portions of work are no longer dull and repetitive, but entertaining. I look forward to listening to lots of music at work and whatever audio books I can get a hold of (Thus Sprach Zarathustra is first on the list). I'd like recommendations of music from you readers out there because I have only a limited selection and am looking to acquire more good stuff. If you like it then there is a fair chance I will and I'm willing to give pretty much anything a shot. This particular evening was made more enjoyable by The Joy Division and Lady Sovereign.

Other aspects of my life are getting much better and though I'm still not sure when or where I am going to land after being changed so rapidly by the chaos storm that has been my life over recent months, I am nonetheless committed to determined self improvement. It seems like the friendships I am involved in are growing stronger, which is of course positive for me and hopefully others. We've finally hired a new guy at work which will relieve some stress on that front. For now we've got only three people working everyday and that is simply not enough; I rarely if ever get to leave on time. I even went to school with the guy at Kennesaw. We never spoke though. Chris maybe?

New years resolutions already on tap include: taking dance and/or martial arts and/or yoga lessons in the near future. Anyone that is interested in these things should of course join up with me. Making better use of my time is also right on that list. It seems like I waste too much, and I'm only given a limited amount.

Hope everyone had a great holiday!

Fuck.

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 08:25:13 GMT

I bought a digital camera today and with it I took some of the best pictures of me and my friends ever. But sadly I lost it someplace at trackside. I really don't care that much about the actual object itself, but I really want the pictures I had taken with it. I had the best group picture of my friends I've ever taken. I also had pretty much the cutest picture ever taken of my very good friend. I keep telling myself that it's just an object, but I really want those pictures and I'm pretty upset that I won't be able to distribute them. I'd be glad to trade my camera for them, but I guess I just lose both.

It's just an object.

The plague

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:53:17 GMT

Well, it's finally happened in a bad way. I am most certainly sick. Go ahead and laugh it up since you know I like to brag about not getting sick much. I've been rocking a fever since sunday morning and it's been most unpleasant. Mostly, I am just hoping it's not the flu because then I will really regret passing up that free flu shot at work. Damn you informational poster for suggesting it wasn't necessary for people in my demographic!

Sleeping is the worst by far though. The fairly constant sweating and chills is not much fun. I 'slept' almost eleven hours last night with some of the most vivid and confusing dreams I've had in a long minute. When I woke up I had to sit down and spend almost half an hour dispelling the nightmare/paradise world I had created in my head. On some level I am used to this though. Lately I have been dreaming a great deal and often I wake up with a belief that does not match reality. It takes some time to remind myself that things have changed and the fantasy I created in my sleep is simply not true in the waking world. But change is inherent for all people, and I maintain the hope that we grow into better people because of it.

In other news, I've received some really quality hugs of late! I'm thrilled that people have been so enthusiastic to see me because I've certainly felt the same. Thanks huggers!

Now it's time to fall into a (hopefully) sound and less feverish sleep than the previous night. Curse my sloth for preventing me from going to acquire a 'PM' brand of fever reducer from the store!

Stuff around town

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 00:13:53 GMT

Saturday I went to go see a production of Jesus Christ Superstar at the 7 stage in little five points. The sound quality wasn't the best so it was difficult to understand what they were saying much of the time, but regardless it was a really excellent show and rather touching at moments. I have never seen the show before and it was comically done and even more modernized that the original. Had quite a fun time joyfully counting out the thirty-nine lashed Jesus received and chanting "Crucify him!" to the song. My favorite characters were Mary because she was certainly the best singer, and Pontius Pilate. He is probably the most metal guy ever and was dressed in drag complete with makeup, silk kimono, stockings, and leather booty shorts. Also, he looked exactly like Nathan Explosion.

After that we headed to corner tavern for a couple drinks, but on the way we ran into about a hundred or so people dressed as Santa Claus who were giving out candy and other gifts. Fred was given a chunk of coal from one the of the better looking Clauses and Meryl received a giant foot long candy cane rod for mentioning that she was naughty. There was one guy dressed as the miner guy from the claymation Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer movie. We got a couple of pretty good pictures that I will post someplace if someone can get them to me. Apparently, it was Santa-con and they were bar hopping around the area. If I can find out when/where it is going down next year I am for sure going.

Eventually we got to the corner tavern and met up some other people for said drinks. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary though I did get to have a really great talk with my brother about all the things that have been going on in our lives of late. It was really good for me to offer and receive some words of advice. Always comforting to know that there is some people that would go any distance for you.

I think I may be getting a little sick though. Not that there is ever a good time to get sick, but this seems like a bad one.

Mini update

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 22:08:55 GMT

Went to go the frogs exhibit at Fernbank yesterday. Despite the fact that frogs are generally not interesting to me, the exhibit was rather engaging. I got to look at a bunch of very unusual frogs from around the world. I must say, the temptation to smash open the poison dart frog cage was very strong. After wards, went to the blue frog from some cheap tacos and drinks. It turned out to be a very frog oriented day actually.

Some quick notes:

-My workout routine is paying off in spades. I am down to 165 lbs. for the first time in god knows how long and I'm getting quite trim and toned.

-I FUCKING LOST my fantasy football league. After thirteen consecutive weeks of ass beating and going 12-1 for the regular season, I lose out in the first round of the playoffs to someone I had already beat twice. I place the blame squarely on Terrell Owens. His no touchdown catching ass cost me the game and ultimately $150. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but it sure would have been nice to win some cash.

-This is my last irregular week of work. After this week I will be at work M-Th and I will have every friday, saturday, and sunday off unless I badly need another day for some weird reason, but it seems unlikely for the most part.

-I received pretty much the nicest telephone call ever yesterday. It's refreshing to get a call form someone just for the sake of offering encouragement and support. So thanks a bunch for that.

-Also yesterday was my sister's birthday! Happy birthday Mimi! Hopefully, she'll be in town around xmas time and I'll get to see her again. Being in Chicago for a couple days felt really short.

Thats about it for now. Going to make some venison chili with Kevin.

A tiger can't change his stripes, but I am no tiger.

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 05:38:05 GMT

Been doing lots of thinking, and here's what I came up with.

I look back and I think that in many ways I used to be a better person. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking the time to actually improve myself and be the complete person that I wanted to be. I stopped feeding my intellectual interests, and as a result my mind has grown soft. I stopped doing regular exercise and my body has grown soft. I stopped being a kind, loving, and generous person to my friends, and I stopped expressing to them how much they mean to me and how fantastic they really are. Instead I've grown bitter, jealous, and resentful of their joy. I stopped being funny, and instead I've become mean. I stopped being someone people could count on and I became a flake. I stopped being easy going and I became tense and nervous. I stopped challenging myself and pursuing new and different interests and I became comfortable in my mediocrity. I stopped seeing beauty in small things and I looked only at the repulsive. I stopped caring how I looked and I became a slob. I stopped learning new things and teaching them to others and I became satisfied with ignorance. I stopped having a positive outlook and found fault everywhere. I stopped listening to what people say and I only talked about myself. I started drinking too much. I started taking the good things in my life for granted. I started attacking myself. Under and behind and inside this man something horrible has been growing.

Certainly these things did not happen overnight. It took a long time for me to change, and it was most assuredly a slow and gradual process.

When I am at my best I am a really incredible person. Smart, capable, compassionate, witty, and a handsome devil to top it off. It is a real tragedy that I have not shown this side of myself for some time now. But I do know that I have it in me to be this ideal self because I've done it before. It's just that somehow I made the choice to stop being my best, and that is just not an acceptable option to me anymore.

I had told a good friend of mine last night that I was recently going through a process of self-destruction. I was thinking it was a more recent event, but I am coming to understand that I have been doing this for some time now. I told him that I was not sure when I was going to stop, and not sure how far I would go. But the answer to that is now. I'm tired of not being who I want to be and getting what I want and it's past time to step up and just be that instead of wishing it were so.

The first step is to see that there is a problem, and what that problem is. The second step is to determine how you want things to be different. The last step is of course actually making that happen, which oddly enough seems to me like it might be the easiest of all. I refuse to be a robot anymore, and I am taking back all the passion for life I used to have. I am taking back all these things I left behind along the way and I am making them mine. And I am doing it all RIGHT NOW.

Luck and Myself

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 07:58:37 GMT

November has not been a particularly good month for me. For a long time I couldn't figure out why so many bad things were coming at me all at once, but the answer turned out to be rather simple. I own a Turkish good luck charm that was purchased for me some years ago in (oddly enough) Turkey. I have hung it over my door or in my room someplace for almost five years now.

When I moved into my new apartment I neglected to hang it right away, and everything has seemed somewhat out of place. But putting it up Tuesday gave me a real sense of comfort. I think I could destroy most everything I own without too much trouble, but I would have a real hard time taking a hammer to this object. Who would think a simple piece of colored glass could be such an important thing in my life? Sometimes the things with the least value are worth the most.

What a shame

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 11:22:41 GMT

For the third time in my life, love has failed.

I can't say it was unexpected for me. I was nothing but reckless with the heart of the person I loved most, and she was certainly reckless with mine. Looking back, it is easy to see the mistakes I made (believe me when I say there were many) but whatever the case I tried my best. What a shame indeed that my best was far from good enough. It hasn't quite sunk in yet but I am without a doubt crushed by this. I suppose I have to figure out what to do with myself now.

My left hand sure feels light.

Turning the corner

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 07:47:51 GMT

Spending time with my friends this last weekend has been very beneficial for me. Despite having to work on Saturday and Sunday I was able to get out Friday night and meet up with some people after work. I dislike relying on others for support. I tend to be a pretty positive guy and finding myself in a bad place and needing help is very unusual and uncomfortable for me. For the most part I put energy into others, and having to receive it is out of place. But my friends have been there for me and despite my resistance have been a fantastic source of support over these last few days. So, thanks for that guys.

It's weird to feel positive about the future considering all the things going on, but at the same time it is a feeling I am more used to than getting lost dwelling on the negative. If there is any lesson to be learned for me, I think it is how to let go. I have never been particularly good at it, or dealing with change in general. However, I am coming to realize that change isn't always something that has to be met with resistance. Ultimately, I think everything will work out for the best because I believe it will.

My schedule is going to be pretty normal for awhile now. I'll be working Monday through Thursday for the most part except for one weekend in December. Although, we did hire another girl for the weekend shift meaning it is fairly likely I won't have to work that one, which is good because it is the weekend of my company's Xmas party. By all accounts it's quite a good time with free booze and good food so I very much hope that works out.

Anyway, thanks again to people who have given me support in tough times. The smallest gestures have meant a great deal to me. If nothing else the presence of friends has been awesome.

Dispersal

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 06:39:21 GMT

I have been intentionally cryptic in my last few posts, yet now seems a good enough time to describe my situation in full.

Perhaps it is with the changing of the seasons that I am feeling so down. The nature of autumn and halloween lends itself to the death of many things. I spend the majority of my life in the dark now that the time has changed. Working the hours I do, I don't get to see the sun so much. But beyond all that I feel like I'm beginning to lose a foundation that has kept me anchored for such a long time.

To begin with my parents are in the midst of a divorce. This generally does not concern me for the most part as they've had a fairly rocky relationship over the years. Certainly it is not a gigantic surprise to see them part ways, but this does present other concerns. My father and I have never been particularly close and this really just compounds that fact. My mother was really the glue that held things together as far as regular family meetings go. A major issue regarding that is the fact that my family owns a large marble quarry in Cumming that I have a small percent stake in (my parents each having a majority share in). Business decisions must be made as to what to do with the land and income associated with that and it is difficult when my parents are at odds on various issues and myself and my siblings are the swing vote. Taking sides becomes fraught with difficulty.

Another factor is that my sister and brother are both out of the state. My sister recently moved to Chicago, and though we didn't see each other very much while she lived in Atlanta I am finding that I miss her terribly. It was nice to know that if I needed her presence it was readily available, in addition to simply being warmed by her kind (if somewhat caustic) personality. My brother has left to Europe for three weeks and then to parts unknown. He has been a constant friend to me and helpful in almost every regard despite us butting heads many times in the past. I must say it is like losing my right arm to see my siblings leave. The saving grace is that I will spend Thanksgiving (and Drunksgetting) in Chicago with them.

The next part is my friends. The social environment I have so long been a part of seems to be changing, and without me present. I feel very disconnected from everyone and I miss the fun times I used to have. It seems whenever people are getting together I am unavailable to be there. I apologize for blowing several people off lately, but I have had other matters to attend to (moving, work, etc.). Though, as I've said I feel much like things have changed and I am not a part of this thing. More of an outsider looking in.

Last yet certainly not least is my love life. My girlfriend of some years has been expressing various doubts about the future and present of our relationship. Don't get me wrong because I understand many of the concerns. We have had disagreements most extreme before and parted ways on a number of occasions. Yet still, I have never felt a deeper love than this. For my partner to question her emotions towards me is shocking and crushing at the same time. "Nothing lasts forever." so they say, but I am reminded of a quote from the movie "The Mexican." As follows: "When two people really love each other but they can't get it together, when do you get to that point when enough is enough?" The response: "Never." For this to end or go sour is certainly the most painful for me. My options seem limited though, I am but one man who is one half of this. I can't help but blame myself for my errors and misgivings. Ultimately, I want the best thing for her despite whatever trouble it may cause me. It would be a completely failure if we parted ways with unhappiness on her part.

So there it is. Change seems to come so fast, and I have felt mostly absent from it's force. Maybe once I get my new place sorted out (oh yeah, I moved into a new apartment in the last week or so) things will get settled down and I will begin a new phase of my life in peace. It remains difficult to be optimistic when things are breaking apart as they are, but I still maintain a sense of hope. It's pretty much the only thing that gets me up in the morning. Strange days these.

I apologize for anyone I offended. Sorry about the extra long post. Thanks for reading it.

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 18:12:37 GMT

Things aren't going very well for me lately.

That is all.